On Seeing Beauty

There is a line in the film American Beauty, “Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.” As a younger man I found myself scoffing at this. Hyper-romanticised fumbling at poignance, I’d thought. As the years wear on, however, I am beginning to feel that there is something in this.

It’s no great secret that the world has gone through an incomparable phase of tumult. Global and local pressures dampening the spirits. Some bitter lows have been achieved. Some desperate positions when getting through the next five minutes can seem insurmountable. And it is in those moments, when on our knees mentally and physically, that beauty can almost annihilate us.

Recently, in a cry for help I posted online. In two decades of depression, it is the closest I have ever come to ending my life. After posting online I spent a short while wavering between telephoning the emergency services or, with methods to hand, seeing through plans to kill myself. And then my phone began to light up and with each new message asking after me, each gesture of kindness, I was reduced to uncontrollable sobbing. I felt unworthy - guilty about taxing the better nature of my betters while at the same time feeling the first rumblings of an incredible gratitude which I still feel to this day.

In that despondency, that black cloud, the goodness of people was almost too much. The contrast between how I felt and the kindness shown was more than I could process. It took me weeks to get back to some people as each time I opened a message I would fall apart in appreciation (as I am falling apart as I write and recall this).

There is so much kindness and beauty in the world and there are times when it feels like too much. Those times of incredible contrast that leave us feeling more human – more vulnerable and at the same time more alive.

I am incredibly grateful to everyone who got in touch. Not always being the best at keeping in touch, I am astounded by just how good the people around me are. And, sometimes, when I reflect on that, it seems too bright a light to hold myself up to. As if, around such invaluable people that my worth will not survive the inspection of its roots. Now, frustratingly, my thoughts won’t translate this narrative into an effective resolution here, so I’ll defer to the script that sparked this essay and the coda to the initial quote.

“It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”